Apres moi le deluge

can you find me?
i'm the last of what's left
of what you left me
when i turned away and left you
for good.

two years doesn't seem long at 3am

and in the end it doesn't matter if i get the dates right
it just matters if i write ambiguously enough
nonsensical enough

i'm weighed against things you never even knew about
so i grab her hand, hold it against my soul
and leap off the curb.

out of anger//back to beautiful

i will not post out of anger. i will not open the floodgates and lash out. i will not tell you about how i don't want to sleep with her, but i want to just with the hope that you'd find out.

but these things are true:
you wouldn't care anyway. you said so.

it would just 'confirm' things in your skull where everything bunches up at once and pulses and gives new life to more crazy.


i would feel worse because i slept with a friend who i don't have those feelings for.. once upon a blue moon, when we were kids, yes.. but i didn't even know it then.

[and i know you'll say i'm still just a kid.]

----

i'm getting back to beautiful. and i don't care if you're here for the transformation.

because you wouldn't care anyway.

small doses

i'm opening my eyes again for the first time in just over a year.. getting used to seeing the world outside of the one we had together..

relearning beauty and comfort and trying to grasp those last strands of ME in my fingertips before they're blown away with the wake of your passing through.

and you don't know that i'm starting to let go. and i have to say it aloud to myself before i can practice it.

but i have to do it for me. i have to be okay with me. i have to remember to still try to let the next one in and hope that i heal without creating scar tissue that holds this world out..

'..The food that I'm eating
Is suddenly tasteless
I know I'm alone now
I know what it tastes like
So break me to small parts
Let go in small doses
But spare some for spare parts
There might be some good ones..'

[regina spektor - 'ode to divorce']