Sunday, December 16, 2007

it's amazing the harm we can cause with our bodies
passing on these physical
social diseases
and somehow these things don't stir up
a riot
in everyone..
just those who can't take it anymore
these bleeding hearts
who can't let those who've suffered
remain nameless
hidden behind a cloak of

they claim
live free or die!
but what if you're free and dying inside?
but what if you're free falling
because no one cares and no one is calling
to see if you're even alive
every 'I hope you're well'
is curt and contrived
because all we have
are the patterns we've fallen into
all we have are the lives that we've led
and in the end
it's not enough to justify the means
it's not enough to justify the pain
in the end it's not enough to justify the fact
that one victim is still nameless on the tip of
the tongue of our fore fathers
while a thieving cowboy claims
that he did all he could
and the murderers he's hired
to smile and nod
and nod
from the comfort of their luxury
chaise lounges
in their luxury houses
watching the view from their 27"
plasma screen television
complete with a pirated copy
of the revolution
the revolution
is not being televised

they hide behind religion
like they hide the existence
of separation of church
and state

they think america is the holy land
and that everyone comes here to pray
doesn't matter if you're black, handicapped
or gay
you too can be forgiven
if you just hide the life you're living
repent and pay tithe
while these nice fellas pull the wool over
our eyes

and when they say 'I hope you're doing well'
you know the truth
because when they forget your name
you realize
those victims are you.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

not for you, for me this time..

i see you starting
into startling confusion
as you bring to the surface
the confusion of

body &

realizing that when they
made you and chose your body
off the shelf, somehow they
got body & soul mixed up...

that silent sleeping soul, creeping out
now, through dress, bound breasts,
& familiar foreign hormones coursing through your veins
knowing everyday you have to stab
yourself in the heart
you have to stab
who they thought you were in the back
as you stab another syringe into your
wondering how god or whomever is running
the gig upstairs
managed to fuck up
so badly.

couldn't he see when he made you
that a square peg doesn't fit into a round hole
no matter how you turn it?
no, instead, she brought you home and shaved
down the corners until the roundness of your
hips began to show & you slipped
into the pre-cut hole.

he shaped you however she chose
stuck you in pink and pantyhose
& left you here to deal
with it
on your own.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Apres moi le deluge

can you find me?
i'm the last of what's left
of what you left me
when i turned away and left you
for good.

two years doesn't seem long at 3am

and in the end it doesn't matter if i get the dates right
it just matters if i write ambiguously enough
nonsensical enough

i'm weighed against things you never even knew about
so i grab her hand, hold it against my soul
and leap off the curb.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

third place.

he told me how he kept that picture
with him everyday.
repeating himself til he's convinced us both.

every once in awhile
i get to see the daddy who was always mine..
it's as rare as the second coming of Christ
especially since he never came in the first place.
[and he doesn't even know what it's like to come in third place.]

Monday, August 13, 2007

out of anger//back to beautiful

i will not post out of anger. i will not open the floodgates and lash out. i will not tell you about how i don't want to sleep with her, but i want to just with the hope that you'd find out.

but these things are true:
you wouldn't care anyway. you said so.

it would just 'confirm' things in your skull where everything bunches up at once and pulses and gives new life to more crazy.

i would feel worse because i slept with a friend who i don't have those feelings for.. once upon a blue moon, when we were kids, yes.. but i didn't even know it then.

[and i know you'll say i'm still just a kid.]


i'm getting back to beautiful. and i don't care if you're here for the transformation.

because you wouldn't care anyway.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Writing the words

i'm gonna write the words you hold in your hands
with your head tipped back
off the bed
while women and men
roam your native lands

i'm gonna write the words waiting on your lips
swollen and red
while they hold your hips
'i was here'.

i'm gonna write the words that you
hold in secret places
where you go
when your private space
is entered
and you are left
violated and left dripping
with them.

i'm gonna write em on your chest backwards
so that every morning,
when you stand naked in front of a mirror
you'll be reminded.

i'm gonna write em between your legs
so they can see them too,
the ones who pay attention,
and they'll heed the warning
and learn you
and respect you
and know you
and never ruin you again

i'm gonna write em on the inside of your eyelids
in black permanent marker
so at the end
when the light finally shows for you,
before you let go,
you'll know it was all real.
you'll know it was all the truth.
and i was there always writing the words for you.

august 3rd, 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007


i don't think we'd be friends if we hadn't been lovers.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


i'm aching to hold my words in my hands again.


Friday, July 13, 2007


sometimes i think i've forgotten how to communicate.
or maybe i've never learned how to really do it before.

this realization feels like remembering how
to breathe without thought after so many


First 'hello'.. Inhale.
Letting go.. Exhale.

[and how do you know anything
when everything you know isn't real?]

You're the ink & the pen
we're the words.
i'm the indents on the next page
left from your impression of us..
a ghost of the story
[a ghost of a girl]
wanting to form, but without
the necessary utensils..
i am an imitation of myself.

Monday, June 18, 2007

a rose by any other name..

she tells me i've changed
and that i'm this
and i'm that.

i argue and disagree now
and in future months,
i look back..

and all the things
i wasn't,
i am.

[written june 13, 2007]

[she holds me in her hands
even when she doesn't touch me..
she never touches me anymore.]

Monday, June 11, 2007

small doses

i'm opening my eyes again for the first time in just over a year.. getting used to seeing the world outside of the one we had together..

relearning beauty and comfort and trying to grasp those last strands of ME in my fingertips before they're blown away with the wake of your passing through.

and you don't know that i'm starting to let go. and i have to say it aloud to myself before i can practice it.

but i have to do it for me. i have to be okay with me. i have to remember to still try to let the next one in and hope that i heal without creating scar tissue that holds this world out..

'..The food that I'm eating
Is suddenly tasteless
I know I'm alone now
I know what it tastes like
So break me to small parts
Let go in small doses
But spare some for spare parts
There might be some good ones..'

[regina spektor - 'ode to divorce']

Saturday, June 2, 2007

a wrinkle in time

i often think it's amazing what a photograph can hold for a person. how much you remember.

sitting on her stoop.. warm day.. double rainbow beaming and taking pictures of it.

sitting there with my phone on my skirt.. the wrinkles uneven and defined and being able to take that moment in the palm of my hand and hold it to be experienced any time i wanted to. this one little sliver in a whole lifetime and still i see and still i remember.

what do you remember when you lay your memories out on a computer screen?

Friday, June 1, 2007


i miss my job at the preschool.. yesterday, i had bryan stop by so i could say hi..

when i walked up, the first person to see me was shawn:
"EEwishaa! hi EEwisha!" trying to pronounce it so carefully in the wrong way..
Andraya looked at me like "i think i know her.. but i'm not sure if i do."
meg got her hair cut and it's so cute.
Haley and Kiera gave me high fives.. Alyssa said "Alisha.. i love you" like she always does.
Paige said "Where did you go?" i stumbled and thought and said "i have some things happening with my family.."

and now i'm thinking.. oh god. i didn't even get to say goodbye. i just disappeared on these kids. i never even told them i wasn't coming back.. i mean i'm sure someone else did.. but i just didn't come back one day..

the truth is some of them might forget about me and one day when their, like, 17 something will make them get that familiar feeling and they'll say "oh man.. i remember in preschool i had this teacher.. what was her name? oh man.. i can NOT think of it.. what was it?"

or maybe shawn will still come up to me and say "EEwisha!! EEwisha! i love you!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

in the beginning..

so i figured that the people on my other blogs might be a) getting sick of sifting through my lame-o photo posts, b) sick of seeing pictures of my ex all the time, or c) maybe want to view all my pics in one place.

so i decided to start a photo blog after being inspired by mr. jcn's website [here]. it was nice to just see simple images posted a few times a week [so far is seems like almost once a day?] that weren't connected yet sometimes seem connected.

so. that's how i got here. i was going to do one on Opendiary, then i was thinking maybe livejournal.. but in the end i decided to test a new territory..

welcome to my little slice of the internet pie. and please realize i'm new to this format and not quite sure how i want to do this yet.. any ideas are graciously appreciated. :]