words=heart

i'm aching to hold my words in my hands again.

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imitation

sometimes i think i've forgotten how to communicate.
or maybe i've never learned how to really do it before.

this realization feels like remembering how
to breathe without thought after so many
scheduled
labored
breaths.

Inhale.
Exhale.

First 'hello'.. Inhale.
Letting go.. Exhale.

[and how do you know anything
when everything you know isn't real?]

You're the ink & the pen
we're the words.
i'm the indents on the next page
left from your impression of us..
a ghost of the story
[a ghost of a girl]
wanting to form, but without
the necessary utensils..
i am an imitation of myself.

a rose by any other name..

she tells me i've changed
and that i'm this
and i'm that.

i argue and disagree now
and in future months,
i look back..

and all the things
i wasn't,
i am.

[written june 13, 2007]





[she holds me in her hands
even when she doesn't touch me..
she never touches me anymore.]

small doses

i'm opening my eyes again for the first time in just over a year.. getting used to seeing the world outside of the one we had together..

relearning beauty and comfort and trying to grasp those last strands of ME in my fingertips before they're blown away with the wake of your passing through.

and you don't know that i'm starting to let go. and i have to say it aloud to myself before i can practice it.

but i have to do it for me. i have to be okay with me. i have to remember to still try to let the next one in and hope that i heal without creating scar tissue that holds this world out..

'..The food that I'm eating
Is suddenly tasteless
I know I'm alone now
I know what it tastes like
So break me to small parts
Let go in small doses
But spare some for spare parts
There might be some good ones..'

[regina spektor - 'ode to divorce']

a wrinkle in time

i often think it's amazing what a photograph can hold for a person. how much you remember.

sitting on her stoop.. warm day.. double rainbow beaming and taking pictures of it.

sitting there with my phone on my skirt.. the wrinkles uneven and defined and being able to take that moment in the palm of my hand and hold it to be experienced any time i wanted to. this one little sliver in a whole lifetime and still i see and still i remember.

what do you remember when you lay your memories out on a computer screen?

regrets.

i miss my job at the preschool.. yesterday, i had bryan stop by so i could say hi..

when i walked up, the first person to see me was shawn:
"EEwishaa! hi EEwisha!" trying to pronounce it so carefully in the wrong way..
Andraya looked at me like "i think i know her.. but i'm not sure if i do."
meg got her hair cut and it's so cute.
Haley and Kiera gave me high fives.. Alyssa said "Alisha.. i love you" like she always does.
Paige said "Where did you go?" i stumbled and thought and said "i have some things happening with my family.."

and now i'm thinking.. oh god. i didn't even get to say goodbye. i just disappeared on these kids. i never even told them i wasn't coming back.. i mean i'm sure someone else did.. but i just didn't come back one day..

the truth is some of them might forget about me and one day when their, like, 17 something will make them get that familiar feeling and they'll say "oh man.. i remember in preschool i had this teacher.. what was her name? oh man.. i can NOT think of it.. what was it?"

or maybe shawn will still come up to me and say "EEwisha!! EEwisha! i love you!"

in the beginning..

so i figured that the people on my other blogs might be a) getting sick of sifting through my lame-o photo posts, b) sick of seeing pictures of my ex all the time, or c) maybe want to view all my pics in one place.

so i decided to start a photo blog after being inspired by mr. jcn's website [here]. it was nice to just see simple images posted a few times a week [so far is seems like almost once a day?] that weren't connected yet sometimes seem connected.

so. that's how i got here. i was going to do one on Opendiary, then i was thinking maybe livejournal.. but in the end i decided to test a new territory.. blogger.com

welcome to my little slice of the internet pie. and please realize i'm new to this format and not quite sure how i want to do this yet.. any ideas are graciously appreciated. :]

--alisha